It’s My Fault

11 Jul

Far too long I’ve crouched down

Far too long I’ve exposed a long elegant side at a time

You’re so funny. So smart. So insightful. So pretty. So graceful. So strong. So kind.

Yes. Yes I am all of these things. Come closer.

You know my flaws. I’ve glistened and polished each one before presenting it on a gilded platter.

You’re quirky. You’re eccentric. You’re delightfully weird. 

Oh yes. How nice of you to accept my differences. How wonderful you love me, anyway. Come closer still.

Front row is open. Have a seat.

Let me stand up, now. Let me arise and let the sheet fall undignified my feet. 

These feet with unpolished toes and dry heels. Try not to recoil. 

I’m tired. So tired.

I’m grouchy, bitchy, annoyed and irritable. 

I am cruel and cold and absolutely fucking disgusted. 

I am insecure and I am sensitive. I want to crawl back into my mother’s womb. This world is so harsh.

Here are my bruises. Here are my wrinkles and folds and pounds of flesh. 

My scars run deep and thick. Some are dark, faded and brown. Others red puffy welts. 

My disfigurements run their way over and through me. Too many to count. 

But they are witness to my endurance. To what has healed and what is on the mend

It’s my fault, but here is all of it.

The parts that love. The parts that hate. The parts that just don’t care.

The parts that are small and vulnerable. The parts that roar.

This beauty shoved up against this ugly. 

Every inch forms the sinew of who I am. Every inch is my truth. 

I am spread eagled before you. Feast your eyes. Laugh. Shudder. Turn away. But if you stay. If you look up. Our eyes will meet. I’ll hold your gaze.

So that’s all of it. It’s my fault.

For hiding my unpalatable power. My unpredictable wild.

I’d say I’m sorry.

But there are no more lies. 

Enough

2 Dec

No achievement will ever be awesome as your simple existence. You are. You can. Be love. Act from love. You cannot fail.

Source: Enough

Unmasked

15 May

Follow Your Bliss Austin

Earlier this year, I recapped The Americans, the FX television show, for Project Fandom. Fun little side project. A big through line this season was identity. How we see ourselves, how we portray ourselves to others, how others see us. With this theme percolating in the back of my mind, I began seeing it everywhere. Other television shows, movies, books, life. Just the other day someone asked me to think about my core values. “What makes you, you?”

I was a bit stymied by this. I can tell you my ethnicity and how as I was raised. I can list personality traits. I can explain the what and why of my beliefs. I can go on and on about my passions, hopes and dreams. But are any of these things who I really am? Does my being equal the sum of its parts? It’s an existential question that…

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Come closer

2 May

Follow Your Bliss Austin

We are built to love. No wonder our hearts are located where they are. Air flows into our lungs and through us with our breath and such is the nature of love. We feel the opening love brings. When we give to another person. When we see a child playing. When we delight in the world around us. It feels free and expansive.

Intimacy. Another issue, entirely.

Intimacy lies low in our torso, in our gut. It is water to love’s air. It’s heavier. There is more substance, more weight. This is where relationships — to our parents, spouses, children, and friends — reside. It’s also the seat of vulnerability. As animals, we protect our soft bellies. We are cautious who we let close to us, and once held close, we are loath to let them go.

What lies between these two is our ego. Our ego can be a…

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I Shouldn’t Need to

28 Feb

Follow Your Bliss Austin

It has been a crazy month. A frenetic energy has filled my days. A lot of it has been fun, but I’ve found myself with very little down time. Very little time to catch a yoga class or a dance class or write. Actually, scratch that. I have had time. I haven’t had the energy. Yesterday was a perfect example. I worked from home and had every intention of going to a yoga class with my favorite teacher. But it was cold, it was rainy, there was traffic. My week had been full of and my sleep had been little. I had the time, but my energy was low. It sapped my motivation to leave my cozy, warm house and venture out. Even if what was waiting at the other end was some loving, nurturing people and groovy movement.

It’s important to push yourself. It’s good to have goals and…

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In the Drink

31 Jan

Follow Your Bliss Austin

Let’s make some tea. Let’s pour some wine. Tell me about your day and I’ll tell you about mine. Share your deepest secrets and I’ll confess my sins. We will weave stories like vines around our great loves and our broken hearts.

I know there’s fear in staying. I know there’s fear in spending time. I’ll take the lead, if you care to follow.

Ask me a question. Any will do. I will answer from my heart. I will show you my truth. A piece of my soul. It’s here if you want it. It’s here if you care to see. Just look. Look beyond the armor of ego which cloaks me. I am naked and beautiful and proud under these scars.

I will sit as I am. As bare as I am. Close enough for you to touch. To see I am real. I will sit as long as…

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Don’t have what I’m having

24 Jan

Follow Your Bliss Austin

People have always been interested in what I eat. When I was a kid, it was with wonder. How could this skinny, ever-hungry child eat so much junk and in such large quantities. During my eating disorder years, it was with concern. How could this girl eat bizarre, tasteless food in such small quantities? After I got my degree in Dietetics it was with admiration. How could this young lady eat healthy foods with such control? Nowadays, it’s with curiosity. How could this woman eat as so specifically with such relish? I relate it eating for my id to eating for my overactive super-ego to eating for my ego to (finally) eating for my body.

Eating for my body isn’t easy. My gut is sensitive. It’s genetic. We used to roll our eyes when 84-lb grandmother would say her stomach was “out to here” after eating.  But, in my early…

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